


loving the unexpected

by arthurslegacy (scisaacugh)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Arthur, Brief transphobia, Coming Out, Internalised Transphobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Trans Character, he's a trans man and you can't take that away from me, i use merlin's birth name for a while but once he realises he's trans he's only merlin, just like one line, lesbian morgana in the background, referenced internalised homophobia, trans Merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-17 23:20:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15472359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scisaacugh/pseuds/arthurslegacy
Summary: Amber Emrys is one of the boys, because girls are gross.





	loving the unexpected

**Author's Note:**

> yooo i'm a queer trans man and this is based very heavily off my own life, from the hipster blog to the coming out experiences. it's kinda weird putting out something so personal, but this means a lot 2 me and i found myself working on it when i needed to vent. so here's my masterpiece that took four months lmao. also i'm american so?
> 
> btw this doesn't come up in the fic but gwaine is pansexual and definitely wears fucking weed socks and i would die for him

Amber Emrys and Arthur Pendragon become mortal enemies at the tender age of five, beginning the moment Amber grabs Lance’s arm protectively and says to Arthur, “Hey, stop!”

Arthur only sneers at her and starts to turn away with his stolen toy, but Amber has no tolerance for bullies. She lets go of a sniffling Lance and grabs Arthur instead, tries to wrench the toy from his grasp. Unfortunately, Arthur is stronger, and even more unfortunately, the teacher chooses that moment to return.

They both end up in the Silent Corner, but at least Amber gains a friend in Lance.

*******

Arthur is furious when Amber beats him in the class spelling bee for the third year in a row.

When you’re ten everything is a competition, and the two have already firmly established their academic rivalry. Privately Amber enjoys the rivalry; it’s familiar and refreshing, and though she’ll never admit it, she finds Arthur to be quite clever. Whether they’re arguing in class or chasing each other on the playground, they’re both having a good time.

The sense of familiarity breaks apart a little when Lance and Leon became friends. They bond over a mutual love of Pokemon, and after a few weeks they’re determined to bring Amber and Arthur together as well. And that’s how Amber finds herself solemnly shaking hands with Arthur on the playground (“Father shakes hands with everyone, so that’s just how these things work!”), and from there the four settle into an awkward friendship.

*******

Amber is for muddy shorts and calloused feet and wild hair. She’d rather have a good time than be like all the other girls, who squeal at the mere _thought_ of getting dirty, and really, why should she care what she looks like? She’ll stick to frizzy ponytails and mismatched clothes, thanks.

Sliding down the hill on cardboard is fun any day, but it’s even better when it’s muddy. They’re in luck today, and the hill by Amber’s house has become a warzone. As always she and Arthur team up against Lance and Leon in their competition, and nothing is off limits. In the race to slide down the hill, run back up, and do it all again nine more times, foul play is encouraged, and by the end all four of them are always covered in mud from head to toe, not to mention bruised all over. Hunith just shakes her head when they show up at the front door after a day of fun, and she pretends to scold them as she brings out the hose for them to wash off.

Life is simple and free and fun.

*******

Amber loves the rain. It’s calming and quite lovely to watch, but it also gives her an excuse to bundle up in the soft black sweatshirt that swallows her whole.

Being twelve is difficult for everyone, but Amber isn’t sure that her classmates are as sad as she is all the time. She’s made offhand comments here and there, but her friends never seem to relate, so she keeps things to herself these days. She and Arthur spend most afternoons playing Amber’s wii or studying in her backyard, but inexplicably she’s still lonely. She can’t place the problem, not exactly, but she knows she feels a little better when she hides herself in her oversized clothes.

Taking to the online world helps for a little while. She makes some friends that way, and they seem to understand her better than anyone else ever has, but after a while it’s not enough. They’re great people, but she needs to _connect_ with people, and they’re too far apart for that. Most of the others seem to come to the same conclusion, but Dae and Sefa never give up on her.

*******

Putting on makeup for the first time feels like a huge step. (Forward or backward and toward what, she couldn’t say.) She likes how powerful the eyeliner makes her feel, but as she studies her work in the mirror, everything else feels wrong.

She’ll just have to get better at it.

And she does get a little better after Arthur’s cousin Morgana shows her how it’s done, but it’s such a _boring_ process that she ends up half-assing it every time. At least she gets a cool new friend, though.

In fact, Morgana is the first person she comes out to in Year 7. They’re meant to be studying, but they end up lounging around in Amber’s room instead. She’s scrolling through tumblr (and yeah, she has a hipster blog, ‘cause she’s cool, and maybe she wears makeup now, but she’s still not like the other girls) when Morgana says, “Okay, I’m straight and all, but this one model is _hot_.”

Amber just raises her eyebrows and, after taking a moment to like a post, looks up. “Who?”

Morgana turns her laptop around to show her the screen, and—

“Wow, yeah, she _is_ hot.” Amber takes another look at the model on the screen, admires her legs and soft skin and long hair, then says, “Guess I like girls,” and that’s that.

“Benjamin Stone is the hottest, though.”

“Oh, definitely,” Amber agrees.

*******

Morgana and her friend Gwen become part of the group the same year Freya comes to their school.

Amber and Freya hit it off immediately after Amber takes the shy new girl under her wing. Arthur is a right ass at first, because apparently he knows why Freya _really_ left her old school, but Amber shuts him down fast, and he eventually warms up to her a bit. Everyone deserves a fresh start.

Amber is taken completely by surprise when Freya kisses her. They’re finishing up the last of their English homework while they wait for Freya’s mom to come pick her up, and one second Amber is complaining about Robert Frost, and the next Freya’s lips are on hers.

She gets over her shock once the other girl starts to pull away, and she manages to pull Freya back in and kiss her properly. A few minutes later, they’re blushing and leaning their foreheads together, and Freya fiddles with the bandana around Amber’s neck. Amber whispers, “So… are you my girlfriend?”

She can’t quite believe it when Freya nods, and their smiles widen. Amber Emrys, awkward hipster and wearer of bright blue eye shadow, has a girlfriend.

*******

They don’t exactly come out, because Amber doesn’t see the point, but they do make it pretty obvious to their friends. They hold hands during lunch the next day (a surprisingly warm and sunny day), and when they kiss, Lance and Leon clap Amber on the back Leon says, “Yo, Bambi, congrats on getting the girl!”

Arthur is less encouraging. He congratulates them, but his smile is tight and he can’t quite look either of them in the eye. The awkwardness dampens Amber’s mood, but she isn’t overly surprised at his reaction. Most people at their school are homophobic, and Amber herself has heard Uther Pendragon’s homophobic rants, so she hadn’t expected too much from Arthur. But he was still her best friend, and the thought of him not accepting her… whether she saw it coming or not, it stung.

Things could be worse, though. They’re still friends, and Arthur still comes over most afternoons, and even though things are a little tense, Amber will always enjoy being around Arthur.

“Least you’re not a trans-whatever,” Arthur says one evening, awkward and unsure but trying to joke nonetheless. They’ve been playing video games for hours, only taking a break when their pizza arrives.

Amber laughs and scrunches her nose. “Yeah, gross,” she agrees.

*******

Freya is moving away in two days.

She broke the news a few days ago, and last day of school party at Arthur’s house became a sort of going away party as well.

“Strawberries for the lady,” Amber teases in a faux posh accent as she approaches the poolside with a bowl of strawberries in one hand and a towel in the other. Freya takes the bowl with a grateful smile, and Amber sits down between her and Arthur, pulling the towel protectively around her shoulders and dipping her legs into the pool.

“That’s not how posh people sound at all,” Arthur says.

Amber kicks at his legs. “You would know, huh, King Arthur?”

“Oh, you finally accept me as your king?” Arthur’s smirk is the single most annoying thing on the planet.

“Nev—”

“If I wasn’t dating Amber,” Freya interrupts, “I’d swear you two were married.” She laughs at Amber’s indignant spluttering and Arthur’s blush.

“Hang on now!” Arthur says. “She doesn’t even like boys!”

“Hey, speak for yourself! I’d date a boy, as long as he wasn’t a total ass like you.”

Arthur looks genuinely flustered, but before he can defend himself, he’s flailing around in the pool, splashing Amber and Freya in his attempt to regain control. A guffawing — and yeah, the first word that comes to mind is _guffawing_ — boy wearing mismatched socks takes his place beside Amber.

“Gwaine, you dolt!” Arthur gasps, no longer flailing but safely treading water. The new boy is laughing even harder now, so he’s caught off guard when Arthur grabs him and manages to pull him into the water. The moment Gwaine surfaces he’s spewing water in Arthur’s face and saying, “That’s for getting my socks soaked!”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have been wearing socks at a pool party,” Amber says cheerily.

Gwaine grins up at her and sticks out a hand. “Hi, Gwaine Greene, fashion man. And who’s the lovely lady?”

Amber shakes his hand with a grin of her own. “Amber Emrys, whatever the opposite of fashionista is. And taken,” she adds, leaning against Freya.

“The cutest ones always are,” Gwaine laments, hefting himself back onto the pool’s edge but, oddly enough, leaving his socks on.

“I’m ready for pizza,” Arthur says suddenly, looking around in search of the others. Leon and Morgana are chatting inside the house, and, unsurprisingly, Gwen and Lance are giggling together at the other end of the pool. Since Gwen and Morgana go to the nearby all-girls school, they don’t often interact with Arthur’s friends, but since their school year ended last week they’ve been hanging around with Arthur a bit more. Gwen and Lance hit it off immediately, and Amber bet Arthur three bags of crisps they’d be dating within a month.

“Hungry from all that swimming?” Amber teases. Arthur just glares.

*******

Amber finds herself sleeping in the afternoon more and more often as Year 10 drags on. School is _exhausting_ , and since her attempts to do homework right after school always end in half an hour of staring at the wall, she might as well just take a nap. That presents its own problems, though, because she stays asleep until her mum calls her in for dinner, and then she’s up all night.

So yeah, things aren’t great.

She and Freya stayed in contact over the summer, but September found them both too busy for long phone calls, and at some point they stopped talking altogether. It hurt at first, it hurt a lot, but Amber’s moved on by now, and she’s still got everyone else. When she’s not too tired to leave her room, she lets Morgana drag her to the mall. Shopping used to be the worst form of torture imaginable, but she’s older now, and all girls her age like shopping. So while Gwen and Morgana try on skirts and chat about books, she tells herself over and over that this is fun.

At least she loves reading.

Sometimes she joins the boys for football in the park, but sport has never been her thing, so if she goes at all she usually just boos Arthur from the bench. No matter where she goes and whom she’s with, though, she can’t shake the loneliness.

*******

She hates her body. She’s hated it since she was eleven and her mum made that typical motherly comment about her sweet, lovely daughter growing up so fast; the moment she became aware that what she got stuck with was… _this_ , she’s tried to cover it up.

It’s obviously a self-esteem issue, though, and if she wants to fit in she’ll just have to get over that. Gone are the days of hiding in sweatshirts and loose clothing.

She’s still not happy.

*******

Amber doesn’t trust Sophia. She came onto the scene two months ago when Arthur introduced her as his girlfriend, which was odd, since not a single member of their group had heard of her before. Apparently they met through Morgana, who knew Sophia from school, and they’d been talking for weeks before they actually got together. The weird beginning isn’t all, though. No, the way Sophia treats Arthur is a red flag too, because she seems to have little interest in her boyfriend. If anything, Amber thinks she _dislikes_ him, if her coldness is any indication.

They all try not to gossip too much, but that’s a lot to ask of a group of fifteen-year-olds (and a sixteen-year-old, Gwaine). The first time they see Sophia and Morgana in the same room, though, they can’t help but talk, because it becomes very clear very quickly that the two hate each other. There are sideways glances and thinly veiled insults that, despite containing school-related references the others don’t understand, can only be interpreted one way.

It’s no surprise when Sophia breaks it off with Arthur, but what _is_ surprising is the announcement that she’s dating Morgana… again. Dating Arthur was her way of getting back at Morgana for something neither of them will talk about, and when all of this comes to light, everything goes to shit for a while, not least because it takes _months_ for Arthur to fully forgive Morgana.

The only reason Arthur is still allowed to hang out with his queer best friend is because Amber’s sexuality was deliberately kept secret from his father. Morgana has no intentions of keeping her sexuality a secret anymore, and when the entire group is gathered at the Pendragon mansion, with Uther within earshot, Morgana gets up on a chair and yells, “Hey, just letting everyone know I’m a lesbian!”

There’s a screaming match, and Morgana isn’t allowed over for three months. Amber admires her bravery.

*******

Morgana and Sophia don’t last long, but the new calm doesn’t last long either; Arthur’s father pressured him into dating his colleague’s daughter Vivian, and she’s a nightmare if Amber’s ever heard of one.

“Who’s the boy?” she asks Arthur, arching a brow at Amber.

“We go to the same school,” Amber says as evenly as she can manage. Could Vivian be any more frustrating? “I’m literally wearing my Albion uniform. You know, with the _skirt_?”

Arthur cuts in, but judging by his grimace he wouldn’t have minded letting Amber tell her off. “That’s Amber. Worst best friend you could ask for,” he teases, throwing an arm around her shoulder. Amber relaxes a bit.

Vivian doesn’t even give her a chance to tease back, nor does she hold back her snort (which was a frustratingly ladylike snort). “Can’t imagine why.”

Vivian’s rude remarks about her makeup and clothes and hair should make Amber try a little harder to look like other girls, but by October she’s already given up on her mission to be prettier this school year. Forcing femininity on herself is more trouble than it’s worth, and she’d rather focus her attention on more important things, such as… well, important things.

Still, Amber has hated her from the start, and that’s why she feels a little ill every time she sees them holding hands or laughing together. That’s the only reason she’s relieved when they break up after a few months, and it’s even why she tries dating Gwaine as a distraction, but that awkward mess only lasts a week and a half. Thankfully their friendship picks up right where it left off, and soon it’s a joke within their friend group. (Arthur gets weird every time someone brings it up, though. It wasn’t even his relationship!)

Arthur starts coming over all the time again now that he and Vivian are done, and it’s just like old times. Well, not really, because it’s been a couple of years since they’ve done this, but still. Amber’s baking skills have greatly improved lately with the help of Uncle Gaius, so they alternate between baking and studying, even though Arthur’s not so great at the first part. Amber pretends she doesn’t feel all warm when Arthur fucks up the cookies and does that stupid, innocent face that gets him out of trouble at school. In fact, she’s been ignoring all the warm feelings for so long that she hardly even has to try.

*******

Once spring rolls around she frantically tries to get her shit together. Year 10 was an absolute shitfest, and she realises a little too late that her grades have slipped. If she were being honest with herself, she would say it was because she just didn’t care about school anymore, but that honesty would mean facing things she isn’t ready to deal with yet. She’s just tired, because school requires a lot of energy.

Either way, her scrambling for extra credit and her recently normalised sleep schedule can only do so much, and she’s surprised she’s made it to the last day of school.

She makes another attempt at body positivity by standing tall in the new swimsuit Morgana bought her for the annual end of the year party. It doesn’t work. She’s wildly uncomfortable, and she ends up wearing her towel like a shawl, hating herself the entire time.

“What’s up, Bambi? You’re usually the life of the party,” Lance says, taking a seat next to her at the table. “What’re you doing inside?”

She’d zoned out and hadn’t noticed she was staring at the countertop until Lance’s voice brought her back. “Couldn’t sleep last night,” she says, which is true, if not misleading. “At least I’ll be tired tonight ‘cause of all the swimming,” she adds, forcing a smile.

Lance looks doubtful. “You’re always tired lately.”

Amber tries for a casual shrug, but it feels awkward and shaky. “School, ya know?”

At least that gets a laugh out of him, albeit only a small chuckle. “I wish I didn’t.” He doesn’t say any more, just wraps an arm around Amber’s shoulders and pulls her closer. She feels a sudden rush of affection for her oldest friend, and she wipes her eyes as they tear up a bit. Arthur comes in at that moment, and when he sees Amber’s face he tenses up.

“Not in the mood for swimming?” he asks, suddenly making a beeline for the fridge.

“Tired,” Amber mumbles into Lance’s shoulder. His t-shirt is soft and perfect for sleeping on. “Nightmares.”

Arthur pops the cap off his coke and sits across from them. “Thank God for summer,” he says drily.

Lance and Arthur chat for a while, and Amber feels herself drifting in and out of sleep, catching words here and there but never understanding them. She’d spent all of last night tossing and turning, and the nightmares hadn’t helped things. The flashes of memory throughout the day have told her she dreamt of her friends dying, but thankfully all the details are long gone. Still, the feelings remain.

After some time she hears her name, but it’s not enough to fully wake her. She does wake a bit when she feels herself lifted into warm, strong arms, and the person above her says, “That’s all right. I’ll take her up to my room and let her sleep.”

“Get my shirt,” she tries to say, though she’s not sure how understandable her words were. She’s still wrapped in her towel, but clothes would be much more comfortable. When someone — probably Arthur — sets her down in a bed, she drifts back into sleep almost immediately.

Waking up is a jarring experience. It takes her a minute to remember where she is, though she’s still not quite sure how she got there (she faintly remembers being carried, but she was too out of it to really pay attention). The only light comes from the moonlight streaming in through the windows, but the stereo is still blasting pop music, so it can’t be too late. Once she’s stumbled out of bed and managed to get downstairs without tripping in the dark, she realises she’s wearing one of Arthur’s shirts. She wraps her arms around herself and smiles.

*******

Things become clearer when she’s sixteen. Dae comes out as nonbinary in their group text with Sefa, and while Amber has no idea what that means, she wants to be a supportive friend. Google helps, but as she reads page after page about trans people, her life starts to make sense. And isn’t that something — sixteen years of experience suddenly explained by half an hour of research.

“Fuck,” she whispers to herself. “Fuck.”

*******

After her initial freakout, life is all right for a while. For weeks she pushes aside the new information, instead focusing on school. Now that she’s got medicine and a therapist, school is a lot easier to handle, and she’s finally started reading again. Arthur makes fun of the fantasy novels she carries around everywhere, but they’re a nice escape from reality, and secretly she thinks he actually enjoys hearing about them.

It’s when school lets out for winter break that things go to hell again. Amber finds that without the distraction of routine, she has too much time to think about personal matters, and gender is the number one problem.

The thing is, she knows from teachers and classmates that trans people are wrong. Her mum had never spoken badly of them, had actually voiced her support a handful of times, but the negativity outweighed the positivity. Still, she can’t keep repressing that part of herself. (Someday, when she can be honest with herself, she’ll admit the repression had been going on much, much longer than she’d thought.) Something’s got to change.

He’s not sure when he started thinking of himself as _he_ , but he notices a few days into January, and he finally caves. He scrolls through lists of names for what feels like hours, until he finally comes across one that’s just odd enough to fit him.

Merlin.

It’s unusual, and it’s vaguely historical and fantastical. Basically, it’s exactly what he’s looking for, and it’s _him_.

He’s not sure what’s supposed to come next, but he knows he has to keep this to himself. It took him sixteen years to get this far, so how can he express something he doesn’t think he’ll ever be comfortable with? It’s going to be a long time before this truth sees the light of day.

*******

Classes start up again all too soon, and Merlin feels worse than ever. Being trans isn’t like being bisexual. He was pretty young the first time he came out, and by the age of sixteen he’s been exposed to all kinds of transphobia, has even made some regrettable comments himself. It’s all built up into a giant pit of self-hatred that lives right there in his chest, weighing him down at all times. It’s been growing there for years, slowly boiling and spreading, but now that he knows what it is, it’s a lot harder to ignore. He thinks he deserves to get paid for all the acting he does on a daily basis, because these days, no one notices a thing.

He has a general idea of how Arthur would react if he came out, and he knows for sure that his mum and Morgana would gut anyone who spoke a word against him (or, in Hunith’s case, make their lives miserable without ever losing her calm), but everyone else is a mystery. He’s pretty sure Gwen would be as supportive as she is with literally everyone else in the world, and she definitely wouldn’t be nasty, but if she’s uncomfortable with trans people then they would drift apart. Lance is a great guy, and he’s Merlin’s oldest friend, but there are things he just doesn’t get, so it could be awkward. Leon is tolerant of most people, but Merlin could definitely see him putting distance between them if he found out. And Gwaine… actually, Gwaine wouldn’t give a single fuck.

Even if no one else cares, Merlin does. All the support in the world couldn’t make him accept himself, and he wonders if he’ll ever get there. That wondering distracts him in class, has him zoning out at least once an hour. He keeps up, because that’s just what he does, but he feels like he’s lost some of himself. Hiding things comes easily to him, but it takes its toll.

*******

Lance drives him home from the Christmas party at Arthur’s, and as soon as they start talking about how terrible their classmates can be, Merlin knows he’s coming out tonight. They’ve been talking about the transphobic discussion from Merlin’s religion class, and he just knows, as if everything is falling into place.

“This year’s been hard for me,” he says, turning his face away from Lance and watching the buildings fly by. It doesn’t really matter where he looks, since Lance has his eyes on the road, but turning away makes it easier.

“Why’s that?” Lance asks, attention divided but still genuine.

He can still change his mind, tell Lance it’s just his mental health again or even say he can’t talk about it, but... “I don’t know how to talk about it.” He doesn’t. He’s kept everything to himself for so long that opening up seems counterproductive, even though he knows that’s not true.

“Sometimes you just have to,” Lance says, a little more into the conversation now. “Even when it’s really hard, you still have to talk, and it’s always worth it.”

Merlin knows he’s right, and he can feel the words pushing against his lips, but he doesn’t know how to let them out. It would be so easy, all he has to do is open up his mouth and the words would spill out on their own, but he’s shaking and his voice wouldn’t be steady enough and he can’t say it he can’t— “I’m not a girl, and I’ve never been a girl.”

They’re stopped at a red light. He doesn’t remember making the decision to even open his mouth, but he still should have waited until they weren’t fucking stopped because now Lance can look at him and Merlin is still looking out the window because he can’t face him and it’s all so much.

Lance is silent for a few seconds that feel like years. “No wonder this year has been hard for you.”

Merlin’s laugh is more of an exhalation than anything else. “Yeah, I mean— yeah. You don’t hate me?”

They’re moving again, and Merlin still can’t look at his friend, but he hears Lance’s heart and soul when he says, “I could never hate you. Well, maybe if you murdered me, but then I’d be too dead to hate much of anything. You’ll always be my friend, Bambi.”

He’s too nervous to say anything about the nickname, and Lance probably doesn’t even realise he used it or that it bothers him, so he says instead, “Thanks. You’re a great friend, Lance.”

*******

Next is Morgana. She’s off in the States for uni, and Merlin hates phone calls, so he snapchats her instead. It’s stupid, but at least it’s effective.

He takes a selfie and adds a caption heavily implying that he’s trans, but he can’t bring himself to send it, so he deletes it and exits the app. When he can’t even distract himself for five minutes, he reopens the app, redoes the whole thing, and forces himself to send the snap right away. After that all he can do is put his phone away and stare at the wall until she replies, but who knows when that—

His phone makes the snapchat noise fifteen seconds later, and the picture he’s received in reply is of a classroom (he rolls his eyes, because of course she’s not paying attention in class) with the caption “you’re trans??”

They snap back and forth for a minute before she asks what his name is, and it’s such a small thing, but it still warms Merlin’s heart. He’s still shaking a little when he gets a text from her.

 **Tuesday** 11:35  
**morgs** : love u merlin

*******

University provides a new start, a way for him to be himself for the first time. He can’t hold back a big, stupid smile as he writes “Merlin” on his name sticker in sharpie, and he’s taken aback in the best way when Elena asks what his pronouns are.

“I didn’t mean to be, like, rude or anything, I just thought I should ask,” Elena babbles nervously.

Merlin cuts her off before she gets going again. “No, it’s fine, really, I’m glad you asked,” he says, because he _is_ , he’s so glad. No one’s ever asked before, and here’s some girl he met five minutes ago putting in effort to make sure she isn’t misgendering a stranger, and it’s just really, really nice.

Elena waves another girl over to the table, shouting, “Hey, Mithian!” and Merlin hasn’t even been here for a full day, but somehow he already feels at home.

*******

“National Coming Out Day should be _International_ ,” Merlin says as he types up the Facebook post that will tell the world he’s trans. He’s shaking, and he spent all of yesterday trying not to throw up, even though he’s been planning this for months. Coming out seemed so abstract until it was the day before, and he’d suddenly panicked. He’s spent the past twelve hours learning how to breathe again. “Elena, I need you to post this for me.”

Elena’s eyebrows scrunch cutely. “Why?”

“I just can’t,” Merlin says. He doesn’t know how to explain, but he can’t make his fingers do what they need to do.

“Sure, I’ve got ya.” Elena smiles and takes his laptop, and then it’s done. Now he needs to post the same thing on instagram and then it’s really done.

The instagram post is easier. His family doesn’t follow him there, and the first post is already floating about on the internet, so there’s no hiding it now. Though it turns out, a couple hours of hyperventilation later, his facebook post was private, and Elena’s gone by now, so he has to make it public himself, and he feels even worse. His mum calls twenty minutes later, and even if he could make himself get out from under his blankets, he wouldn’t be able to talk. Internalised transphobia is one hell of a silencer. So he cries instead, and everything is fuzzy and he can’t breathe again, and Elena’s not here.

He doesn’t want to bother Elena more than he already has, so he texts Cenred and asks if he’s got weed. Twenty minutes later they’re smoking in Cenred’s room, and Merlin is still shaking. It’s only been ten minutes when he gets a text from Arthur.

He skims over the text, still too anxious to really read any responses but too anxious just to leave it, but he gets the gist of what Arthur’s saying, and it’s… not good. Arthur’s pissed that Merlin didn’t tell him sooner, that he let him find out through fucking Facebook, and Merlin chokes up again because he _knows_ it was a shitty thing to do. Arthur has been his best friend for a decade, and they’ve always told each other everything, but Merlin kept this huge secret from him. Arthur didn’t even know he _had_ a secret until he read it on _Facebook_. So yeah, Merlin thinks he deserves the Shittiest Friend Award.

Percy’s taking a hit when Merlin rushes out of the room, fumbling around in the dark as he searches for the doorknob. No one follows him as he lets the door slam behind him and leans against the wall, choking on another sob. God, Arthur probably hates him. He’s lost his best friend just because he was too scared to come out to him sooner.

No one’s come to check on him, so he pulls his sweatshirt’s hood over his head and walks to the lift, keeping his face turned away from the people in the lobby. The people in the lift don’t bat an eyelash at his red eyes, probably assuming he’s just high (he’s not, though, he only had time for one hit before he fucking booked it).

Back in his room, he shoots off a text to Elena asking her to come back over, and she’s there within a few minutes. She holds him tightly as he sobs for an hour. He feels disgusting, both as a person and as a _trans_ person, and he can’t imagine that feeling ever going away.

*******

Things are okay between him and Arthur after a week. Merlin apologises over facetime for not telling him, and Arthur understands why he didn’t.

“You’re my best friend in the whole world,” Merlin says quietly. “It wasn’t about you; it was me and my self-hatred.” He hates being this honest and open, but he needs his best friend back.

“I understand,” Arthur says just as quietly, face twisting up in discomfort. “Uh, I’ve been meaning to tell you for years, but I— you know, I had… issues… with myself too. I’m bisexual.”

Merlin’s eyes widen, and his stomach knots up a bit for some reason. _For some reason_ … no, he knows exactly why, and maybe it’ll be a little easier to admit it now. “Oh. Thanks for telling me, Arthur.”

“Movie night?” Arthur asks.

Merlin laughs at the sudden change in topic. “Yeah, okay. I’ll set up the Rabbit and you pick the movie.”

*******

Maybe it’s just him, but Christmas feels a little awkward this year. People keep apologising when they slip up on his name and pronouns, and his mum correcting everyone is nice but weird. There’s too much attention on him, which is the exact opposite of what he wants. Why can’t things just be normal? Yeah, he’s trans, let’s move on. It shouldn’t be a big deal, and he wants to think about being trans as little as possible so that the ache in his chest will go away. But he’s probably the only out trans person anyone in his family knows, so they don’t know how to act around him.

He sits on Uncle Gaius’s couch and texts Arthur for most of the party. Normally he texts Dae and Sefa at family get-togethers, but lately he and Arthur have been talking even more than they used to. He hadn’t thought they could get any closer, but somehow they have. Maybe it’s the lack of secrets, or maybe it’s something else, but Merlin is living for it.

“You texting a girl over there?” asks Aunt Kristin.

“A boy,” Merlin says, grinning up at her. “Arthur.”

“Oh, is he that one your mother says you’re always going on about? I’d just love to meet him,” she says.

Merlin flushes. Does he really talk about him that much? “Yeah, that’s him. I’ll let him know you said so.”

Arthur thinks it’s funny, but he also says he’d love to meet the family, which makes Merlin’s face get even whiter. God, he’s so fucked, he’s so in love with Arthur.

*******

“But what do I even say?” he asks after he’s dialled the number.

“Just tell them you’re a trans man wanting to start testosterone,” Elena says. “It’s that easy!”

“Fine, fine,” he mutters. He takes a deep breath and presses the call button. “Hi,” he says to the person who answers, “I’m a trans man looking to start testosterone.”

It really is that easy, and his first appointment is next Friday.

*******

At his first appointment they ask him a bunch of questions about himself and his health before taking some blood, and he taps his fingers nervously the entire time. He knows he probably won’t get his first shot until next time, but he still can’t believe he’s here.

He does end up getting his first shot at his next appointment, but they don’t let him do it himself yet. That’s for the next one; this time they just show him how to do it. He watches the nurse clean the vial, draw the liquid, switch needles, and clean his leg, and it’s all a little difficult to keep up with, but he’s so excited he can hardly breathe. This is real, this is happening, he’s waited so long for this, and he’s really come so far. It feels like everything in his life has led up to this moment, and he’s finally becoming himself.

He exits the building with a spring in his step, and if he listens to _First Day of My Life_ by Bright Eyes on his way to the train because some of the lyrics are just so fitting, well, no one has to know.

*******

Doing his shot is pretty easy at first, but after a couple months, he starts getting anxious every Friday. Somewhere he picked up this weird fear of sticking the needle in the wrong place and hurting himself, and after ten minutes of sitting there with the syringe hovering above his leg, he calls Arthur into his room. They’d been playing video games until Merlin sent him out to do his shot alone.

“Hey,” he says when Arthur comes back in. “I need help.” Arthur raises an eyebrow when he explains, but thankfully he doesn’t comment, just tells him to move over and sits beside him on the bed. Merlin tells him what to do, and it doesn’t even hurt when Arthur sticks the needle in.

It certainly doesn’t hurt when Arthur kisses him afterwards.

Merlin pulls back after a few seconds and, leaning his forehead against Arthur’s, says, “Watch out for the needle.”

Arthur laughs a little, and Merlin shivers. He reaches over to cap the needle and place it on the bedside table. “So…”

“So?” Merlin says back. “I hope you know you’ve ruined me for anyone else. I mean, not that I wanna kiss anyone else, which is kinda what I’m saying I guess—”

“Merlin!” Arthur cuts him off, smiling dopily.

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me again.” He does.

***

Arthur and Morgana tag along for Christmas this year. Kristin is delighted to see them both, especially now that Arthur and Merlin are dating. In fact, their eight-month anniversary is tomorrow.

“Oh, look at you!” Kristin says as she pulls Merlin into a hug. “You’ve grown up so much, but you’re still my little boy!”

Merlin laughs and has to wipe at his eyes. He hasn’t seen most of his family since he started testosterone in February, so they’re seeing a new him. The same him, but still new.

“You must be Arthur and Morgana. I’ve heard so much about you two!” Kristin hugs them too, and Merlin laughs again as Arthur hesitantly wraps his arms around her. The Pendragons aren’t exactly hugging people, but the Emryses and Hunith’s family definitely are. Gaius and Alice come over to greet them next, and then they’re being herded over to the food.

Arthur and Morgana fit right in, and the night goes even better than Merlin hoped it would. There’s laughter and reminiscing, and they tell everyone about their first meeting when they were only five, and Merlin’s family teases them endlessly.

Later, when they’re finally in bed, Merlin says, “Even when we became friends I never would’ve thought we would end up together. I still hated you for a while after Lance made us hang out.”

Arthur laughs into his shoulder. “Yeah, I hated you too, but I still had a crush on you.”

“That’s so cute!”

“We’re literally dating, Merlin,” he says with that fondly exasperated tone reserved only for Merlin.

“Yeah, but it’s still cute,” Merlin argues.

“Sure,” Arthur says, and he pulls him closer.

Merlin doesn’t say it, but he never thought he would be happy at all. He spent so many years hating himself and his life that he became convinced nothing would ever change, even after he got antidepressants. He hated his body and voice for ages, and now he’s been on testosterone for nearly a year and has come to terms with being trans. He thought he would stay lonely forever, and now he’s closer with his friends, boyfriend, and family than ever before. Life has never been better, and he’s more than content with how things turned out, because the unexpected is the best he could’ve asked for.


End file.
